Last night, I feel such a pain in my heart. I end up putting the pain in a piece of paper. I wrote a poem. I translated the pain into my 'Am I that easy to forget?' entry.
I know I have no right to judge anyone with anything they had done or are doing. And I don't have any intention to do that either. As posted in my previous entries, I had experienced doubt in my life. I had doubted my Redeemer. I once had doubted my Jesus. I can clearly understand that at some point of our life, we will reach this point where we have so many lingering questions and doubts. But the saddest part is when the doubt start arising, the approach chose is misleading.
What makes me willing to go all the trouble - the crying, the praying - to find the answer?
*My personal experience with Jesus*
The road I had traveled had left a footprints. Tracking back that footprints had bring me back to the very place I had started my journey. At the feet of my God. No matter how I doubt, His presence in my life is too strong, too intimate to be ignored.
What really pains me is seeing such a wonderful daughter of God turning her back from Him. Pursuing 'mortal love' and learning how to doubt Him for the sake of the newly-founded love.. Can Jesus be easily forgotten?
That stinging pain I felt must have been only a small part of pain Jesus is experiencing. I know no words of mine can really express how hurt He felt. But still, I'm thanking Him for sharing this pain with me. Who can better hurt you more that the person you love the most.
I know for sure that my redeemer live. That He live, die and is risen for me. I CAN FEEL HIM..
I shared with you dear readers one of my favourite song that had always help me going back to track when I seems to lose my focus on God. May God bless us all..
Till finger meet keypad again.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I know my redeemer lives!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Am I that easy to forget?
My love,
I am always here for you
sticking to you like a glue
cheering when you feel blue
how much I love you,
don't you have a clue?
I had been the one you adore
but now I'm the stranger outside your door
knocking..
calling..
hurting..
crying..
My love,
you had trampled on my heart
you had set your life apart
with a person whose once is your sweetheart
to a new love, your heart had thwart
The love I once knew
had turn to doubt
My love,
is now - just a piece of clout..
The road you now choose
is no longer,
the road we traveled before
I was left..
Was trodden
Was forgotten..
My love..
Am I that easy to forget?
Signed,
Jesus
Written by,
Debbie Annabell
21.9.10
My God.. My God.. Where are you?
My God.. My God Where are you? Have mercy on me, this unworthy clod The treasure of the world, bring me no good My God... My God… Where are you?
The child of yours had been restless The soul, the heart had been anchorless Where are you my Father of AWESOMENESS Where can I find You and all your gentleness?
I’m here my child I’m here.. Don't have to find me in the wild I'm here my child I'm here.. Hugging you with an embrace so mild
My God... My God Where can I find you? I'm searching for you high and low To You, this heart I will avow
I'm here my child I'm here... We will never grown apart you will seek me and find me when you seek me, with all your heart.. (Jer 29:13)
Written by, Debbie Annabell
(20-Sep-10)
Where will all the Christian go?
It's been sometime.. I really wanted to update my blog if it's not because of the piling of works that need immediate attention. But no matter how busy life can be, the priority of life must always rest in GOD..
Years ago, I have experienced a great temptation in my life. So great is the temptation that I can end up crying and feeling guilty. If it was now, any temptation, no matter how great it is, I have my Jesus to depend on. But back then, it was my Jesus that push me into the verge of guilty beyond explanation.. And that is a phase in my life that had make me, ME! Praise god.
If u ever been in a phase where u have doubt in your existence and the person behind it, then we sure did have something in common. I've been in that shoe before. Luckily I manage to eventually found what shoe I should have bought in the beginning.
If you are Christian or someone who 'claims' to be one, ask yourselves, 'WHERE WILL I GO?' and NO I'm not talking bout asking yourselves where to hangout tonight or this weekend. Instead I'm asking you to ask yourselves, if I die, where would i go? Peculiar enough, I have been asking this to myself since I was just 9. It had been a puzzle to me before. "Why God create me, if I am destined to die someday?" "What's the reason of my existence?" - those kind of Question come across my mind once a while. But being a toddler bring me no where near to the answer. Eventually, all those questions subsided together with teens raging hormone.
It was when I was 18 that my faith had been tested to the point I end up doubting my belief and faith to my Jesus. I was in college doing my pre-U studies when this particular teacher who seems nice and all start to get 'interested' with my faith. Questions rained on me. Mostly, those I have no clue on how to answer. At that point, his questions become my doubting reason. 'Am I worshiping the correct God'? - The ultimate question!
For a year, I struggle with doubt. Though I carry on performing my duty as a Christian, I had lost my foundation. But deep down in my heart I know I HAVE to find the answer. And so I thought, if I need to find the answer, I must first look for it in the bible. That's when the hunting begun.
Praise be to Lord - HE, knowing my incapability - had change my doubt into unwavering faith. The bible had open my eyes. Had finally put my scavenging heart to rest. I cried when my heart were touched deeply. John 14:6 speaks clearly to me.
Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
Bull eyes!
My journey had not been easy. It took me a while to fully 'experienced' His love. I took me a slap. A heart break.. A pain.. And now I can proudly claim I AM A CHRISTIAN. His miracles resonate in my life. I can't never convince you on how great the miracles are. U have to experience it yourselves to know.
Where will all Christian go? If you put your faith in Him and get your faith going in action, believe it, He's waiting for us in Heaven. Amen!
Till finger meet keypad again. God bless!
(Published in fishonfriday.wordpress.com on 13 Sept 10)
I fear no evil..
Psalm has always been one of my favourite in the bible. It is such an honest, heart pouring words of David to the Lord. There are so many favorites chapter too. And Psalm 23 is one of them. Each words express a strong feeling of dependency and trust in God. I often read this chapter and gain courage from it.
Psalm 23 can really soothe me and it give me a very comfortable feeling. A feeling of security. A feeling of being cared and loved intensely. A feeling of urging forgiveness. A feeling of peace.. To put it simple - I just like this feeling. May the Lord peace be with you too..
Till finger meet keypad again.. :)
(Published in Fishonfriday.wordpress.com on 27 Apr 10)
Give us today our 'daily bread'..
Another new day.. And it seems like the dark clouds has come back to rain on me. It is said that 'heart never break, it only become stronger'.. If that so, today i am in a really intense heart strengthening phase..
When ever we felt like our life is over and we wish we can't stop living right there at that time, remember the Lord's prayer.
As we go on from verse to verse, we will have the idea of what Jesus is actually trying to teach us. The Lord's Prayer is a model prayer- of how we should pray. And when we feel like we've been thrown into a pit of doom and sadness, turn to Him, and pray. Pray from ur heart and use the Lord's Prayer as a guidance.
Our Father in heaven,which art in heaven.. - The thing that are so touching bout the Lord's prayer is the fact that our relationship with God is a CLOSE one. He is not only our GOD, He is by all means is our beloved FATHER. Whenever I feel so heart broken and down to the core of my soul, I'll cry out to my Father..And i know He heard me. His heart, like any human father, cry too with each moan of sadness that comes out from my lips. The acknowledgment of Him being in heaven is a way to express our confident in Him.. That He knows everything and He is in control - no matter how uncontrolled your life seems to be.
hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come - Praise your God and rejoice in His name. There's a day that we will be able to be close to our creator, finally stop being hurt and to rest in His glory forever.. Have faith in this promise..
thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven - This is a powerful verse. One of the best way of praying. Human beings are mean and selfish.We always wanted things to goes our own way. What we want, what we think best for us. We become greedy when things seems to goes our way, yet become grudging when things aren't.It's human to feel like we cannot go on with God's plan.. But take heart. He knows best. Trust me! I am in this situation now. Feeling helpless and broken. But everyday, I still pray to let it happen to me as His wish- no matter how hard or difficult it might be. I may feel helpless, but I'm not hopeless.
Give us this day our daily bread - I highlight this verse in my title because this verse touch me and give me the answer to my ever-searching heart. When i pray to be heal,I wonder why it take me quite a time to be heal completely. And when i thought i have been healed, something else will come up again exposing my 'unhealed' heart. Then I meditated with this verse. Give us this day our 'daily bread'.. why would u think Jesus teach us to pray asking for a daily bread? Wouldn't it be easier if we can ask for a bread that will never finish. Endless supply of 'bread'- that would be such a bliss to a human kind. And no, I'm not referring to real bread here. When I apply this verse of prayer in my life, I'm referring the bread asked as the bread to keep my soul alive. To keep me going.The bread of the soul. Just like when I asked for healing from God and I was given enough for a day, that's how Jesus wanted us to pray. If everyone can be heal instantly, people will lose dependent on God. Things gain easily are easily taken for granted too. That's why, don't feel disheartened when things seems to be cloudy again after a sunny day. God never leave ur side. He just wanted u to keep on clinging on Him. To ask and to have faith. So keep on asking for ur bread; one day at a time.. God is there.. By ur side. Trust Him..
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespasses against us - There's this quote that says 'To err is human ,to forgive is divine.' Divine is defined as being superhuman or godlike; having the nature of or being deity. So in short; it is said that- if u forgive, u r displaying a godlike character- being superhuman. In other words, it is implying that forgiveness is a difficult thing to do. But I've stumbled upon a book with a very contrasting title.. 'To forgive is human'.. and I can't agree less. Forgiveness is something that we, human, can do easily. The only thing is, we have to pray for it. Pray for the strength to forgive. When we pray to Our Father asking Him to 'forgive our sins', we are obliged to forgive others who hurt us as well. When we loved the unloving, we are actually having a glimpse of what God does for us. So, forgive and forget too.. God in all His sinless nature can forgive u. So what make u think u can get away being forgave without forgiving. Pray the Lord's prayer when forgiving seems difficult. If forgiving is difficult to do, just make a breast clean about it to God and ask for His help. He knew beforehand of your incapability and weakness. But u still need to ask for help. Not because He won't help if u don't. But,when u confess your weakness and limitation, that's when u start letting Him helping u.
And let us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil- Temptation is a very powerful tool of the devil. We are tempted in any way possible to make us turn our back from God. And one of the worst temptation is the temptation to just sin 'one last time'.. sounds familiar? Often, when people sinned, they are tempted to repeat the sins though they knew they should have repent and STOP. They try to fool themselves,saying that this will be 'the last time' and they will stop. They are actually fooling themselves by thinking they can stop. When sins had started to take over ones heart, the sense of guiltiness after sinning can't stop the power of the sins itself. So pray my dear friends.. That temptation will not seize u.. and evil will not take control.
No man is without flaw. So when u flawed, confess to God and CHANGE! If u love Him so much, it will break ur heart to break His. And it break His heart to see u sins. Close ur eyes and sincerely said 'I LOVE U JESUS'..
Till finger meet keypad again..:)
(Published in fishonfriday.wordpress.com on 27 Apr 10)
No Coincidence! It's in the Plan..
Since my last post, there's a lot of things i thought of writing but then the time slip without me doing so. To be honest, my life is far from interesting. But everyday, every single breath i take, I have a story to share. The story of how my life is so much involved in God's hand.. So much so that I feel compelled to shared and rejoicing His intervention in my life.
There's really no coincidence. I believe in that. Everything happens for a reason. It just a matter of how we took a look at that particular events that occurred. Remember, we, in all our humanity is limited in our understanding of 'things'. The 'invisible' is far greater than the 'visible'. And we the creature of 'visible' world have difficulties to go beyond what our eyes can justify.
I really wish I can share to my friends how my life had been changed dramatically recently. To share how God had touch my heart to its core until I fall on my knees and beg for mercy. To beg for comfort. And receiving it abundantly.Sometimes it's a difficult thing to do. To open your heart and share it with others. Because we are afraid of judgment. Being seen as 'weak', 'sad', 'failed' or anything such. We are not without flaws, each one of us. Yet, it is difficult to let people notice our flaws. Judgment did kills u know. It happens to me too. I have worries of letting people see me as 'victim' or being 'sad' and anything such that will expose my vulnerability. I wish I can appear 'strong' when actually my heart is terribly aching inside. But it is no secret to God that I am very vulnerable and my heart is marked with the 'fragile' sign.
The word 'sympathy' did make me feel pathetic. That's why I prefer not to have it from others. I guess it's because I was afraid of hearing so-called comfort words with a hidden tone of victory. U know, the 'poor u' kind of things but with a hidden 'serve u right' kind of tones. But let me be vulnerable. It's tiring to pretends everything's fine when it is not.
Egoism kills the very core of people's heart. Knowing u need help from God but pretending as if God is blind to see your heart can get you into troubles. And as ironic as it is, God did NOT judge us for being 'weak', 'sad' or 'vulnerable', as oppose to what flawed human being do. And here, I in all my vulnerability, am saying I have found a place to put my fragile-marked heart and not afraid of being acknowledged as weak. Because that's what I am. A weakling, found strength in my God's hand.
Ever wonder why God let good things happen to you but took it away when you are not even aware whether you are ready for it or not? I did.
But as I have mentioned before, NOTHING is COINCIDENCE. It is in His plan. My heart finally seek God with all the hope I have left. And after I surrender everything, though I did not get what I wish for in life - I was converted. Thanks be to God.
I will write more. For now, that's all I want to share.
Till finger meet keypad again.^_^
(Published in fishonfriday.wordpress.com on 3 Apr 10)
The reason..
It's been quite a time since I stop blogging. Previously, I blogged because it is my passion to write. Now, I still blog for the same reason - except,this time it's not gonna focus on me- but me and my Lord instead.
It was different last time. And I was different too. I have found the remedy of my ever haunting peace-seeking heart. I was happy back then. Happy for a different reasons I am happy now. And between the period of laughter, I have gone through a PHASE. A phase of knowing my true source of happiness. I was happier now though I am happy back then. A different kind of happiness. But I learn to be content with everything and keep moving forward.
To put it simple- I have found my Alpha and Omega.
In a REAL kind of way.
And this is where my journey begin. ~
(Published in fishonfriday.wordpress.com on 11 March 2010)
From wordpress to blogger..
As the title may have suggested, I am actually moving my wordpress blog to blogger..
Previously I had been blogging bout my journey with my God in http://fishonfriday.wordpress.com. But due to restricted choice of application, I decided to move it to blogger instead and reposting my previous entries here.
Due to nonavailability of the username 'fishonfriday', my blog thus rename to 'myspiritualbattle' - which kinda more compatible with the content of my entries..
Everything posted here is my personal spiritual battle in becoming a CHRISTIAN in a real sense..
I may not be the best child a Father can have.. But my Father is the best dad everyone can ever have..
